Instruction Manual for healthy living

A link for all you frito eating Sally's, a how-to on how to enjoy some fine dining.

Giddy up

Should we ever expect less?

In words of one of the all time great movies, "We came, we saw, we kicked their ****". This describes this past weekend's horse show. I came out with my 10 year old Horse and galloped around a few times. At this point we had already won, I cracked open a 4oz snack pack of cheetos, mixed it up with some grain and all of a sudden the horse started to tap dance. Well, apparently the tap-dancing number was a little bit of show-boating, so the judges made us go through the formal process. So my wife showed the horses, and as expected we won.

So later that night when we got home. I was in the mood for celebrating, so I went over to the local grocery chain and got 3 things to make a celebratory evening. A little ice, some wine, and a bag of cheetos. It was almost too perfect, but then the wife yelled at me to come in from the barn, I guess I've spent enough time with the horse.

Giddy Up!

The best of both worlds

Manly men don't need lip balm, but you know what I'm thinking? Give this to my wife. So now when we smooch, I get the sweetness of a kiss, and smooth flavor of cheetos all at once. What could possibly be better?

Well I got a few things that could come close. Maybe use this balm for lube on my car, then I could have the glorious smell of cheetos as I cruise the highways.

Giddy Up!

Room for Improvement

I won't bore you with a recap of last night's Team Fortress 2 thumping. I mean, those Willies were barely making a showing (Willie = Weak and Wimpy Sally) all night long. I even made good on my promise and played for twenty minutes using only my feet, and I still dominated. Next week I'm thinking of giving myself a real challenge by randomly remapping every key on my keyboard, using a 1-button mouse, and not using my foley catheter so that I have to get up from my computer every 10 minutes and go to the bathroom because of all the Lipton Raspberry Blast green tea (with lemon!) I'm drinkin'.

But that's not what I came to talk to you about today.

Here at work we're going through our annual performance appraisals. Of course normally I'm against having people measure TheRealRandy, because that just ends up with a lot of hurt feelings, bruised egos, and folks I gotta end up trying to comfort again later. And to be honest, TheRealRandy is busy with real work and doesn't have much time left in the day for that. Maybe one or two folks, but not the whole HR department!

So of course when my time came, I looked over the sheet my boss gave me. I got "Role Model" all the way down the list. No exceptions. And of course I'm not surprised, I mean after all, I am TheRealRandyKearn. Still, I had this sneaking suspicion that it might not have been completely accurate, and that intimidation may have played a part in my superlative scores.

Therefore starting today I'm going to look for the tiny sliver of improvement I can squeeze out of my life and pursue it as ruthlessly as I have every other challenge that's come my way. I'm gonna show up as TheRealRandy who has no room for improvement -- the totally evolved, superior man. If you have any ideas what this tiny improvement might be, leave me a comment and let me know. Not that I think you could figure out a way to improve me, just that it might give me ideas for how I could improve myself.

No hard feelings, right?

Come Get Some

Woo HOO tonight is tf2 night. I got all the usual dressings ready, however, tonight things will be different. There's gonna be plenty of men called Nelly tonight. Why do I say this, well last week out of fear, dudes named Assaracus, Saint, Bloodweiser, Andy Fantastic, and Sig Baker to name a few, decided to Nelly out. My sheer domination took the joy out of the game for them, so they ran off.

I tell ya what guys, I'll play with my feet this time. Last week I tried using just one hand, and it was just Domination after Domination. This works out for all of us, as I could use 2 hands to man the cheetos and iced tea. I might even let my horse get in a round or two.

Giddy Up!

Its kind of hard out here for a stallion

I've been thinking lately, with all these Sallys out here I have to find someone who measures up and be on the level of The Real Randy. So I've come up with this idea, a cheetos eating contest. I'm gonna invite some of my Sally Co-workers and other friends. Who ever wins, gets the privledge of going against me. If this person wins I'll call them a stallion and my best friend.

This is a dubious distinction, to be considered a stallion, you can't be judying, tammying, or sallying out when it comes time.

Stallions need love too.

My wife is away on business right now and I decided to break-down and allow one of the Sallys I work with to accompany me for a meal. You know what, it felt good to have someone eat with me, even if they are of the Sally variety. We laughed at some jokes, enjoyed some tasty food, and talked about warlocks. You know I normally wouldn't condone a Man-Date, but this isn't half bad. I think I should do this more often, it nice to get verbal feedback instead of a horse hoof stomping on the floor. Also, my co-worker doesn't devour a whole bag of cheetos before I get a piece like my horse.

In case I don't post anythign else today. Have a Cheeto-tastic weekend. I know I will.

Giddy up!

Weapons of a$$ destruction?!

So the weekend's nearly here, and while I'm sitting at my desk powering through a mountain of work that needs getting done, a bunch of Sallys nearby are talking about going to a gun show. I tell them to knock it off and go somewhere else to do their jibber-jabber.

"Dude," they say to me, "come with us to the gun show tomorrow!"

"Now why would TheRealRandy want to do that?" I ask.

"Cause there's nothing like being near so many weapons of mass destruction."

"Buddy," I reply, "Anytime you want to be near a weapon of mass destruction, you just drop on by, I'll be happy to oblige you. Besides, my boot's gettin' lonely for someone's ass."

They moved their conversation elsewhere, and I finished up my work. See, everyone got what they wanted. Mission accomplished.

You have a good weekend, okay?

Sally Food

I gotta say something about a disturbing trend. Men eating chocolate, did the world turn into a fancy man convention? Chocolate is what you give your wives fellas. Some of these Sallys I work have now felt the need to declare their love for hot chocolate chip cookies, as if that crap tasted good. You Sallys can have your chocolate, I'll stick to Cheetos flavored Crepes and Bud Select.

Real Men Take Cold Showers

Hot water for washing one's self is a Sally Concept if I've ever heard one. I got a Sally co-worker who's trying to do his part to save the earth. He's decided to have a tankless water-heater installed. I don't know what that is, but I don't like it. Its been explained to me that this device instantly heats hot water and in return for its increased efficiency, by not having to heat a tank, it allows for a virtually unlimited supply of hot water.

That reads to me like Sally blah blah Sally blah blah blah. Look, if you want to save energy take a cold shower. Me I personally take my showers in rain water, not because I'm trying to save the earth, I do it because where I live there is no running water.

Whose Fault?

So there I was: TF2 night was on, and I was ready. Cheetos? Check. 4-gallon drum of Lipton Raspberry Tea (sweetened with RealLemon)? Check. Foley catheter to prevent unnecessary bathroom breaks? Check.

I logged in and suited up. I jump on the server and load up my favorite player class, the Heavy. I was headed out to the front line when zambo! I'm down. No problem; it's probably just lag or a server glitch or something. Respawn and back out there. Bazoomba! I'm dead again. This lag is really getting me down. Respawn again and in like five seconds I'm dead again. Respawn, kazowie. Respawn, zonk.

This kind of repetition is not the thing that TheRealRandy goes for.

A normal person at this point would get down, feel sorry for himself, blame the server, spout a stream of profanity, whatever. Not me. I'm about being productive. Taking a situation that sucks and making someone else suck on it instead. I'm all about taking someone else's lemons and making them into lemonade ... for me.

And that's when I see the problem. I look down, and there it is. It's been staring me in the face (or really, in the hand) the whole time. I never knew I'd let it get so close to me, and now that I knew, I never would again. It was a tiny crumb of cheeto dust wedged in the wheel receptacle of my mouse. All that time it hadn't been my fault that I was getting owned so badly. It was the cheetos and their contemptable orange detritus.

In a matter of seconds, I'd pounded my mouse back into compliance with a few punches from Randy's patented "fists o' fixin" and was back in top game shape. This time I was the one in charge. I was the one on the handle-side of the knife for the rest of the night. This time, I was the captain of the Sadie Hawkins Dance, and no one could touch me.

Well, come this morning I realize that I can't count on my equipment to Sally me through a night of serious gamin'. I need quality gear designed for the high expectations I have. That's why I'm searching for a military-grade mouse designed to repel debris and operate in the most harsh of situations -- sand, fog, underwater, wherever TheRealRandy has need to go.

'Cause I'm not givin' up my cheetos.

I am drunk with Cheese Dust.

I've decided that I would start preparations for tonight sooner then later. Well to be honest, today's workout session of jumping jacks and 20lb flyweights got me starvin, so i cracked the bag open early. Man these cheetos are great, only thing that could make them better would be a pitcher of iced tea.

I found some inspiration for Cheetos love. This man in this photo has it right, a nice velcro suit so the cheetos comes with you.

Giddy Up!!

TF2 night.

Ownership shall commence at 9pm today. I'm debating playing with just one hand, maybe this will handicap my awesomness. You see, I just want some competition, and I want the Nellys I play with to stay on the game. Its not easy being this awesome. In fact, its quite lonely when no one can compete with the studlyness that oozes out of my pores.

I had one Nelly who decided he could challenge me. Some call him jedi27, I call him Trani. Because if he was really a Jedi, there would be no competition because we all know a Jedi can't be killed by the most studly of human beings. I recommend he change his name to Nelly00, Nelly because he's scared and 00 because that is the number of times he's been able to frag me.

Anyways, I think I'm ready for tonight.

1 Case of Bud Select -- Check
3 1lb bag of Cheetos -- Check
4 Gallons of Lipton Iced Tea -- Check

This should hold me for the first hour of play.

Like Conan O' Brien Says..

"Vroom Vroom party Starter"

Horses > Cars

Cars are really a Sally invention. On my way to Iowa my car decided to turn into a real Sally. This behavior made me think of my horse. No way does my horse break down on a trip to Iowa. A couple cans of Chef Boyardee raviolis and a case of bud select, and my horse is ready to go. No Sallying out with over-heating. You know, I'm downplaying the awesomness of my horse, my horse is a stallion. That's it, I'm gonna write to my local politician and see about getting some legislation so I can have some animal parking at work.

Giddy Up!